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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

How to dress like Cameron

I’ve had a lot of emails asking me about my friend Cameron, who likes lap dogs, and how one can dress like him.

I’ll level with you: dressing like Cameron is not easy. A meteorologist by day (and night when he has night shifts), at heart Cameron is a fashion aficionado of the highest order and has spent decades researching historical fashion in order to get the “right look”.
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Wait, I was talking about Prince. Regarding both the questions about dressing like him and the commitment to fashion.

I think the meteorologist bit is about Cameron, but it’s possible that Prince is quite good at predicting the weather, too. He wrote the song Purple Rain which I believe is about acid rain that can kill people and make their skin turn purple, like a bunch of lesions making love to aggressive acne.



Dressing like Cameron tips:

• Your hat is your best friend. The kind of best friend that you hang out with all the time until you get drunk one night and leave your mate passed out in the car with the windows up and no food, water or clean air. You decide to ignore him, go to bed and the next day check if your best friend is alright.

He’s not. He’s covered in car dirt and sleep drool and shattered glass after a passerby decides to throw a brick through the car window.

Caps, wherever possible, must be white. This shows the dirt and rips from shattered glass best. No one likes a person who is obviously wearing new clothes, as this is an indication of frivolity and wealth.

Cameron is not frivolous, except when it comes to spending money on his latest lap dog. He prefers Pomeranians, but he is branching out now into Lhasa Apsos.


• If your shirt doesn’t say something, who will? When you’re wearing a slogan on your shirt, it’s like you’re walking around constantly screaming out your message over and over again at people.

Shouting is the best way to get your point across, except with a shirt you get to save your vocal chords and people can stare at your chest.

You can wear an Ecko brand logo instead of actual words, which tells people you like Ecko clothing because of the rhinoceros picture on your shirt. Rhinoceroses kill more people each year than terrorists do and as such you look tough.

Unfortunately, rhinoceroses can be mistaken for other creatures. Cameron found this out on a plane trip from Alabama to Vancouver, when an old Southerner lurched drunkenly towards him and said, “That ain’t no damn unicorn, is it, boy?” When Cameron explained it was a rhino, the man said, “Oh, good. I thought you were a damn queer.”



• Wear baggy pants or shorts. Your legs are used for walking and they need room to breathe. Baggy, loose-fitting clothing reduces your chance of developing genital thrush.

This is especially true in the case of pantaloons, through as Christian Rudder pointed out, nothing says “beat the crap out of me” like these beacons of comfort:

You can reduce your chances of being beaten up by writing, “My other pantaloons are hardcore” in a glittery, swirling font across the bum of your pants.

• Never, ever, EVER go anywhere without a hand puppet. Sometimes absent-minded people will forget to look at the slogan or logo on your t-shirt or pantaloons, but a hand puppet thrust in the face is impossible to ignore.

Hand puppets are an ideal way of getting rid of unsavoury characters. When I went on a road trip through Mexico, I found the best way to block the constant bartering and begging was by communicating through my fist.

That’s right, I painted a woman’s eyes and lips on my cupped hand and would only speak to street people using my hand as a puppet. My hand puppet had a messed-up quasi-Spanish accent and was called Jennifer Lopez. (Thank you, Cartman.)

Remember: Jennifer Lopez hand puppets are like snakes. People are more afraid of them than Jennifer Lopez is of other people.

A side benefit is that hand puppets draw the attention of lapdogs, especially Pomeranian-Chihuahuas.

• Shoes must always be sneakers. Make sure they’re the type of sneakers that don’t get you into nightclubs*.

Don’t double-knot your shoelaces. A single knot is easier for a friend to lean over and swiftly undo. Your friend can then say, “I’ll keep doing this until you learn to use a double knot” and you can resist this notion for up to two decades.

Instead, let the shoelaces fall limply to the ground for your lap dog to chew on.

Did you know? The ends of your shoelaces are called AGLETS and are at the top of the food pyramid for small dogs.

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* Not being let into a nightclub is an honourable defeat, especially for your friends who secretly don't feel like clubbing anyway.

3 comments:

  1. Whats next in the how to ______ like Cam?

    -T$

    ReplyDelete
  2. Loose fitting, breathable and deadly: pantaloons

    Classic!

    ReplyDelete