About Me

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Brisbane, Queensland, Australia
Abandoned by the orphanage when I was six weeks old, I was left in the nearby woods where I was raised by wolves for two weeks. Then they got sick of me and abandoned me. A few things were said, I could have been more diplomatic perhaps, but I still maintain that wolf politics is corrupt bullshit. After this, a squirrel* took me in, until I realized that, whilst I was crazy about nuts, I was also allergic to squirrel hair. I hiked to town and hid inside the back of truck that was transporting Starbuck coffee cup lids and stirrers to The Big City. I stayed here for 18 years, never alerting my presence to the truck driver, who used to pull over every 500km or so and silently cry to himself. To this day, that truck driver is unaware that he was my primary caregiver growing up. I like trucks, beards, and country and western music. I've accidentally used deodorant as hairspray and vice versa on only one occasion so far. *Because of this I will not wear products made out of squirrel.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Cameron has had so many different jobs

As a Namibian bonobo trainer


After fleeing Australia when he saw a spider in his bed, Cameron settled in Namibia where he became very active in researching the local bonobo community. Living amongst missionairies and dreaming of a fairer world, Cameron became attached to Kunu, a 2-year old male bonobo who had been abandoned by his mother.

Cameron taught Kunu over 200 lexigrams and over 600 sign language signals. However, Kunu would often answer questions such as "How is Kunu today?" or "What colour is the lemon?" with a swift "you, fucked" hand signal or simply give Cameron the finger. The gorilla had not been taught this behaviour, suggesting a higher level of ape intelligence than researchers had previously estimated.

Cameron eventually left the camp when a group of gorillas ganged up on him one night and short-sheeted his bed.


Morale officer, Vietnam

Put in charge of the 7th company, it took over 600 friendly-fire fatalities for the US army to realize that Cameron had no military training whatsoever and was teaching the troops to kill the wrong side.
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However, what his comrades did find in Cameron was a unique ability to boost morale. As one 7th Company officer noted, "No one could play the Venga Boys on guitar like Cameron."

Cameron's addictive guitar melodies inspired all around him and had the ability to rid one's soul of anger. Cameron alternated his nights going between the US and Vietcong camps, strumming out such diddies as "We like to party" and "We're going to Ibiza" until sunrise where the troops finally fell asleep, happy and sated.
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People who now live in Vietnam swear that at night you can still hear Cameron strumming from over the hills, the words "Boom Boom Boom Boom, let's go back to my room" playing over and over.
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Job of someone who goes to nice weddings


A few months ago Cameron came over late at night after a wedding. I said, “how was it?” and he said, “It was a very nice wedding.” I called in Shantelle and Kelvin and told them Cameron went to a nice wedding. Kelvin asked Cameron how the reception was, and he enthused, “It was really nice, too.” From across the room, I texted Cameron saying, “been to any nice weddings lately?” and he looked up at me and said, “Fuck off.”

The four of us talked about how nice weddings were, and how nice life was in general after a nice wedding, because you get to have a nice marriage. Cameron told me to fuck off. I told him that the synonyms for “nice” include pleasant, fine, lovely and polite. I added that he looked very pleasant and polite in his dishevelled suit. He told me to fuck off.

The next morning I woke him up by asking if the wedding the night before was nice and he told me to fuck off.
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Raver Cam


Nightclubs in Brisbane's Valley favour people who spend hours dressing up to look like a cartoon character. If you do not look like a rainbow threw up on you, you are not allowed in.
Ravers can dance for hours, in some instances for up to six days straight before succumbing to dehydration, renal failure or choking on a bright pink hair extension. In order to cut back on raver deaths, nightclubs have hired Cameron to show up at around 5am on the weekends and start dancing in the middle of the floor with glow sticks. Cameron's dancing is proven to clear a dance floor on 99.8% of occasions.
Raver-related deaths decreased by 1650% under Cameron's rule.

Film extra
After missing out on the lead male role in the hit film Mr and Mrs Smith, Cameron was given a role as tupperware container #2 alongside Angelina Jolie.
Cameron was Predator #6 in Alien vs. Predator: Requiem, featured above. According to onset sources, Cameron remained in character for the 6 months it took to shoot the film. He was eventually shot 13 times by L.A. policeman when he accidentally wrapped his tentacles around a 7/11 attendant when purchasing a Jolt cola. Fortunately the bullets missed every major tentacle.

The dentist
Cameron's role as a dentist never really took off after he failed to connect with today's youth. Many patients stopped visiting Cameron's dental practice because of his persistent "Is it safe?" joke, which is lost on today's generation as they have not seen Marathon Man.

In spite of the bad jokes, I found Cameron to be at least as competent as any other dentist I've been to. Sometimes I walk to the burnt-out skeleton of the Happy Days Dental Den and imagine Cameron and I waltzing out the front of the surgery in its heyday, two happy ghosts enjoying better times and wearing dental masks.

1940s Pin-up

When Cameron lost out to Greta Garbo in the lead role of the 1935 film Anna Karenina, the public breathed a collective sigh of relief. But there were brighter times ahead for this hour-glassed Goddess, and Cameron found solace as being a pin-up girl for gas stations all over the Midwestern US.

During WWII, Cameron did the USO Show circuit where he was a big hit with his sexy ping-pong strip shows. Under the stage name "Flirty Fannie", Cameron would dance in nothing but a full-length 1940s black rubber swimsuit, revealing a tantalising strip of nude ankle and a bit of face underneath a floral swimming cap. He would then call US soldiers up onto stage and play an aggressive game of ping-pong.

By the time Hitler had committed suicide, Cameron was undefeated in ping pong after 356 competitive on-stage rubber suit-wearing games.

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